The summer after fourth grade Tanya had what her mom called a “growing spurt”. Unfortunately, the growth was horizontal, which meant she was now fat enough to feel self-conscious.
Adding to her appearance woes, she had recently spit a wad of gum into her thick mane of wavy auburn hair which caused her grandma, who was not a hairdresser, to cut her hair. Grandma chopped off 8 inches, leaving Tanya with a short uneven bob. Her hair, no longer weighed down, celebrated its freedom by frizzing. “You are so careless Tan,” said grandma “this is why I don’t let you chew gum” and then in German “und du siehst aus wie eine Kuh” (you look like a cow). She mimicked a cow chewing and accentuated her point with a loud moo.
Summer ended and on the first day of fifth grade, Tanya put on the outfit her grandmother had laid out. It was her least favorite – the dreaded lederhosen that grandma had been nice enough to bring back from her last trip to Germany. The leather shorts were so stiff they could stand on their own. They couldn’t be washed, so they smelled of a combination of leather and dirty kid. They had leather suspenders, a plastic breast plate with carved reindeer, and a secret escape hatch in the crotch. Tanya was irritated that if she had had a penis, the hatch would have been useful, but as things stood, taking the lederhosen down to pee was cumbersome. She also wore an orange t-shirt, white knee socks that insisted on falling down every time she walked, and new loafers that looked like boys shoes; their laces were stiff and would not stay tied. Tanya, who hated the feeling of fallen socks got a lot of exercise pulling up her socks every few feet. As she walked the block downhill to school, stopping a few times to pull up socks and retie shoes, she hoped that the novelty of her “proud to be German” heritage outfit would make her seem interesting, mysterious and cosmopolitan. She hoped the smell wouldn’t waft over to anyone.
Fifth grade was rough. Early on, a girl named Yvonne demanded her lunch money. Tanya was given two choices – pay up or have her head stuck in the toilet. Not wanting to ruin her hairdo, Tanya paid up – every day. Yvonne said, “if you tell, I’ll beat the shit out of you.” Trying to be a silver lining type of gal, she mused that perhaps not having lunch would help with the horizontal growth. She did not want to get beat up and she didn’t fight back or tattle; being aggressive was not part of Tan’s makeup. Bullying is contagious and Tanya became popular with the fight club crew and was hit almost daily. She was also hungry.
She prayed for a new fat, ethnically costumed kid to transfer to the school. One didn’t.
By summer vacation she’d outgrown the Lederhosen and no trips to the motherland were planned. Sixth grade would be better.
Writings and whinings 